‘Bad things happen to good people.’ It’s a phrase I have heard dozens of times in my life. It’s also a phrase that I hoped would stay clear of my family, my friends, and myself. However, sometimes you can’t stay clear forever. This blog is quite the exact opposite of my last one, a total 360. The reason being, there is no way you could ever measure a happy life without sadness in the picture; happiness would lose its meaning.
Everyone tells you to think positive, and you will have a happier and healthier life. As children, we make lemonade, and are taught to see the glass have full. But, there are moments that can change everything. We learn at a young age to buckle our seatbelts, to wear a helmet, and look both ways before we cross the street. We do our best. But sometimes, it makes no difference. Bad things come… and they come out of nowhere. There is no warning. This past summer, my sister had a terrible accident, a close family friend, and aunt died, and I had an accident at work. It was just one hit after the other. I felt like I was getting the wind knocked out of me, while I was still on the ground struggling to pick myself up from the last hit. Usually when something bad happens that affects me, I shake it off. Pretend it’s not there and pay no attention to it. Would it do any good anyway? But, you do need to heal. You need to feel your feelings, things need to be said and you need to go through the whole process, whatever it may be. To allow yourself to heal, you need to be a victim for a moment. After that, you are what you choose to become.
My cards are folded. I cannot change them. I have to live with them. They are what make up my year, my life. But sometimes, I lose myself. Sometimes, I want to pick up those cards, and send them flying over a tall building. Sometimes, I wish I could restart. Give back the deck and get a new one. As much as I think I have had the worst of luck- I cannot think that way. My sister is still here with me, and both my aunt, and family friend are out of pain. As for me, I survived. My wounds will heal. There is still an inner voice within me, and even though sometimes it’s a soft whisper, it still reminds me that I am strong enough. That I can be more. This is when never losing hope plays a role. The little reminder that things can get better. Things do change and it is not always what it seems.
So when things get tough, understand that it’s okay to not have on that brave face. I think it’s okay to break down, scream, cry, question. Because it’s only when you lose everything, can you rebuild. The hard things that have happened in my life have made my voice a little louder. To this day, I know my sister did not deserve what happened to her. I do not think I deserved what happened to me. My aunt did not deserve to be in so much pain on the last few months of her life, nor did she deserve to lose her life to a battle she never asked to fight. Our family friend should have kept on smiling and spending time with the ones she loved most. My mind will never change on that. So why? I cannot change their cards, just as I cannot change mine.
All I hope for is that you know how to play those cards, and you play them well. What I have realized more than before is that we do not get to decide what will happen to us, however, we can decide how we are going to live. Is the life you are living now how you want to live? Is this the best you can be? You have the power to decide.
There are memories, no matter how much I think about it, no matter how much I try, I can never bring it back. There is no going back. Despite it all, I believe there will be an end to the storm. It will not destroy me. I may have felt it rip me apart and the winds may have slowed me down but when all is done, is when I have learned. This is when I have realized, just how strong I am. That if I can survive one storm, I am strong enough for one more, and one more. Pain in life is bound to happen. Nobody can escape it. Sometimes it makes you feel like life is against you and you cannot do anything but feel worthless in the moment. Then, perhaps you wonder, do I deserve this pain? No… I don’t think so. Perhaps it means you are growing and perhaps there is something to be learned. What happens to us does not define our lives. It lies in what we do about what happens. Your power lies in your response, not in your circumstances.
Life will never be perfect, no matter how hard you try. There will be days that make you question yourself, that make you feel like you’re losing your battle. Your heart will break, and life, for a split second, may feel too hard. Overall, you should never be ashamed or embarrassed by your wounds. I used to want to hide it, but now I embrace it. It’s a part of who I am. I am proud of my scars and overcoming every bump in the road was greater than anything else I ever did. My wounds made me dig deep and find something inside I didn’t know I had. My wounds had revealed me.
Ivana was born in Sanski Most, Bosnia & Herzegovina, but moved to Canada at the age of three. She was diagnosed with LGMD a few years ago, and it has forever changed her life. She is a regular contributor, and her blogs will be everything she has learned along the way, and what she continues to learn today.